Every Yom Kippur, Jews collectively acknowledge our “sins” during the Vidui Confession.

Below is Joel`s updated version of the Confession, based on all the misdeeds we likely committed during the pandemic. The Corona Confession is in alphabetical order, like the real thing!

The pandemic has upended all of our lives, and in no way am I trying to discount the seriousness of the challenges we face. That said, I do believe that we`re allowed to laugh — and should — at the absurdities of the world we`re living in.

The Corona Confession:

א
Apcheenu
We sneezed without covering our noses

ב
Barachnu
We left a Zoom meeting early under false pretenses

ג
Googalnu
We Googled Corona statistics for no reason

ד
Dacheenu
We delayed taking a Covid test to avoid being quarantined

D’mei Havtalnu
We applied for unemployment benefits unnecessarily

ה
Heeshta’alnu
We coughed into our hands and wiped it on our friends’ furniture

ו
Ve-Heesh’arnu
We left our cell phones at home during quarantine so we couldn’t be tracked

WiFinu
We claimed the WiFi was down to explain having missed an 8AM staff meeting

ז
Zoomeenu BeShaina
We slept during a Zoom session

ח
Cholanu
We faked having a sore throat and dry cough to avoid visiting our mothers-in-law

ט
Televeeznu
We watched TV during an online bar mitzvah

י
Yadeinu Tamanu
We touched fomites without rubber gloves

כ
Kafkafeenu
We wore our slippers outside

Kalavnu
We borrowed our neighbor’s dog and took him for a walk, just to get some fresh air

ל
Leechlachnu
We touched silverware without first washing our hands

מ
Maseichanu
We wore our masks below our chins

נ
Netlixnu
We used the pandemic as an excuse to watch Netflix

ס
Sacheetnu
We squeezed fruit in the grocery store, then put it back on the shelf

ע
Aleenu
We took the elevator when it would have been more hygienic to take the stairs

פ
Purellnu
We finished all the Purell

צ
Chateteenu
We chatted privately in Zoom meetings about others in attendance

Tza’adnu
We failed to take off our shoes before entering the house

ק
Quarantinu
We self-quarantined to take a break from our families

ר
Routernu
We changed the password to the family WiFi router and didn’t share it

ש
Sheekarnu
We lied about having washed our hands with soap

ת
Tachtoneemnu
We wore underwear to a Zoom meetin


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